I received an envelope in the mail Monday from the federal government (along with the 2010 census). It looked an awful lot like the bonds that come for the kids around their birthdays, and since my son is having a birthday soon, I didn’t bother to open it.

On Sunday, I looked at our bills. I paid bills, and looked at what was coming due soon, and I felt The Pinch. The seriously it’s going to hurt soon Pinch. The savings is gone, there’s bills and mortgages coming due, and pretty soon, I’ll be robbing Peter to pay Paul Pinch.

It shouldn’t have worked out like that. I should have received a tax credit related to a home purchase about three months ago. I shouldn’t have had to replace my car so soon. We shouldn’t have had plumbing problems and car problems and all that other crap that creeps up.

But we did, and we dealt with it like a lot of other people do – credit cards, savings when we had to, etc.

So suddenly I’m trying to think of all the possible ways we can squeeze more money out of anything. Where can we earn more money? Where can we save money? What can I sell (without selling the house)?

Tonight I opened the mail a full six days earlier than usual, and along with the census I opened that envelope with the bond. I have never been so happy to not see a bond in my life – it was the tax credit money.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What can money buy? Money can buy security. I’ve now got the funds to shore up our emergency fund.

Money can buy a clear mind. I don’t need to stay up late sweating over bills and how to pay them.

I’m calmer now, but I need to think a bit. I need to talk with my hubby and probably a couple other someones to get a really good idea of what goes where right now. I may wait to do anything until I see what’s what in terms of taxes.

I really, really need to get a decent budget. But it’s almost midnight, and I won’t get that done tonight. It’s a battle for another day. Wish me luck.

It’s a fact that some people don’t like, but things change. Families, work places, economies, weather, they’re all examples of things that do not stay the same. And while some things would be great if they always stayed the same and never changed, just the nature of the beast that is one way for several years is to suddenly up and switch the game.

So I should not be surprised that I am currently pondering some serious change coming my way.

It was a slow process. One that I was able to ignore for a while, but that is no longer the case. I have in front of me a situation and  a person. The situation has slowly moved from uncomfortable to one that I am no longer able to ignore. A person I once trusted, I now doubt.

And this is all based on my perceptions of the situation. I don’t know what the other person’s perception is – possibly they don’t realize what is really going on, or perhaps I don’t understand everything they know that causes things to be as they are.

But the fact remains that something needs to change. Either I change how I think, the situation changes, or something else will have to happen. Things cannot remain as they are.

What if I won a home makeover sweepstakes that said I could have unlimited funds to completely redo my current home and property? What would I do?

1. Rip down the wallpaper.
2. Refinish all the woodwork to it’s original state.
3. Rip up the carpet.
4. Refinish the hardwood floors.
5. Buy area rugs.
6. Replace all windows with high-efficiency models.
7. Waterproof the basement.
8. Get a clothes washer and dryer.
9. Redo the kitchen with new appliances.
10. Expand the downstairs quarter bath to a full bath (or at least a half).
11. Remove and resell all the cabinets (they’re in good shape).
12. Replace cabinets and counter top, but keep the sink.
13. Completely redo upstairs bathroom with tile, new tub/shower, new toilet, new sink.
14. Rip up shag carpeting in the kids’ rooms.
15. Buy matching shelving and furniture for the entire house.
16. Buy a really comfortable chair set for the front porch so we can people watch.
17. Rebuild the garage.
18. Fix the brickwork outside.
19. Replace our asphalt roof with a green roof.
20. Install some solar panels, if possible.
21. Get new curtains.
22. Get someone to mount our television on the wall.
23. Buy everyone in the house a desk.
24. Get a dining room table and chairs.
25. Finish the basement so it’s not so scary to go down there.

Yeah, I think that’s about it.

Vulgar. Funny, but vulgar. I liked it.

My favorite part was the line by Mila Kulis’ character, which was something to the effect of,

Get out of your head, man, it’s nice out here!

I was like, “Hey, I do that!”

I do – I live in my head. I analyze, worry, fret, and examine every emotion I have, every word that comes out of my – or another’s – mouth. I don’t take things at face value anymore because I’ve been burned. Not always, but enough to make me hesitate.

Plus, you know, my self-esteem isn’t great.

I’m starting to recognize it at work. I’m sitting there freaking out – what if I’m about to get fired? What if everyone hates me? What if I never get another bonus or a raise – can I afford to keep working here? Shit like that starts to take over and I can’t stop.

Turning on music helps. Talking doesn’t, really. Pretending to be happy when people are talking to me and I can’t avoid them sometimes will turn my mood around.

But how do you really stop living in your head? How can you become confident enough that the squeak of the Fire Exit sign doesn’t drive you into depression because you’re the only one it squeaks for when you walk by (the conclusion here is, of course, that I’m the fattest person in the office)?

Just do it.

It’s the Nike slogan that everyone repeats. “How do I XYZ?” “Just do it,” they say. I’ve even said it myself, I’m sure of it. But come on, people, when you’re in a bad spot, it’s not that easy! When you’re down, or neurotic, or paranoid, or depressed – it’s just so much easier to just stay there, or sleep, or eat, or whatever it is that you overdo when you’re feeling that way.

Are you nodding your head right now? Well, I’m with you. The best I can do right now is try to drown out my thoughts when I realize I’m in my head too deep. Slap on some music, put in the earplugs, start singing if I’m lucky.

We’ll see how it goes.

I was at work until 8:30 tonight, and I still hadn’t run out of things to do.

I will go in early tomorrow morning and still not be completed with my tasks by the end of the day. In fact, I’m sure my list will be longer.

This no longer feels unusual to me.

I’m drinking more alcohol to relax.

I’m getting (more than) a little stressed out.

I think about quitting.

And something is wrong with my Wordpress. I seem to have lost…something.

It’s definitely time for bed.

You see, I’m going to (finally) start my own business. (Go me!) It may not be a huge earner, and it may not turn a big profit for a while. It may never turn a big profit. But I’m very excited about it, and I can’t wait to get my first client.

I’ve even got plans for that. I may have to beg, and I will probably have to give out quite a few freebies. For this particular endeavor, I had thought to drop off at businesses, but I have a feeling I may have more luck at libraries. And perhaps bookstores – I’ve always thought that if I had my own business I would be sticking my business cards in relevant books at bookstores. Can you get in trouble for that? Maybe not if I ask the manager. Or maybe that would flag.

Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. I read that once.

Or used bookstores.

Well, anyway! Victory for Nicki! Yay!

That nasty, tingly feeling of absolute panic that you get when there is more on your plate than you can possibly accomplish in the time provided. Even when you squeeze in extra time, you’re still not able to complete the tasks.

You can’t think straight, and don’t know where to start next. What is most important? It all has to be done yesterday, or last week, so how do you choose? Who are you going to piss off?

All you want to do is scream, and you know that it won’t help. You start to snap at people you work with because you’re so frustrated that they don’t understand – you’re busy! Come on, there’s no way you have time to give them thirty minutes!

There’s nothing to strangle, no way to get the frustration to pass. Here’s another task, and then another. Your list gets longer, two or three more jobs for every one you complete.

Welcome to my world.

“I really need a beer,” you think. Some alcohol, anything to turn off the panic that won’t go away. A glass of wine, then maybe two. You cross the line from “I really shouldn’t have too much because I have work tomorrow,” to “Who cares how much I drink?”

When do you get to say, “Enough!” When do you put your foot down and say, “If I don’t get more assistance here, I can’t be here any more.” When are you not caring about yourself enough that you change your situation in good concience?

Well, not completely normal. I still can’t put on my own socks. I get my 4-year-old to help me in the mornings.

And the morning car rides are difficult, but not impossible. Discomfort now rather than outright pain. I’ve just been taking Aleve in the mornings, and then…

In the evenings, after I’ve been up and down and have walked around and moved all day, I don’t feel much at all.

I’m really eager for the weather to warm more and the light to stay longer in the evenings so I can start walking, which I am confident will help even more. Plus, it won’t hurt the waistline. When I can get out and walk in the evenings I am less likely to sit and pork out on snacks and more likely to get a glass of water so I don’t ruin all the good I’ve done.

Aside from that, well, work is stressful as always. The next two weeks will be chock full of one task repeated over and over again, and at the end I’ll sag down in defeat with a case of Lager and drown my misery for one night, then go back to the grind. It just never lets up, and it’s…

Well, it’s hard. Nobody said it would be easy, though, huh?

Snow, I love you, but really, we’ve had enough.

Yay, Spring!

Signs of Spring

1. It’s light late enough that I can read on the way home.
2. I can go outside with no coat regularly.
3. Daffodils.
4. Spring Time Change (March 14th – set your clocks forward 1 hour!)

So as you can see, Spring is absolutely here. I love it, I love it, I love it.

My kids started begging for their bikes to be let out. Since I’m not quite ready to let them ride around the neighborhood yet, I pushed it off. Plus, I’m going to have to either fix the training wheels or remove them on my son’s bike.

The snow has nearly all melted away, and I feel safe in scheduling a car wash for this week. If the snow isn’t over yet completely, at least I can get rid of the layer of salt and grime that’s all over it. Not to mention the bird poo on the window from the flock of seagulls I saw earlier. (There must have been over 1000 of them, no kidding.)

What are seagulls doing so far inland, by the way? This is strange to me.

Plus, they don’t say “mine” like they do in Finding Nemo. I wish they would. ;)

And I don’t think it’s being un-American, as has been suggested. It’s just a game, they’re all NHL players (and even NHL Refs!), and it doesn’t matter that much to me. In the scheme of things, I mean.

But I missed most of the rest of The Games. I didn’t see any Downhill Skiing, nor did I catch any of the really cool looking snowboarding (Downhill Snowboarding?), or the figure skating. I just took a moment to watch some recaps – only about ten minutes worth – and I realize again just how much I missed it.

I want to be in a position, two years from now, to be able to have cable and sit and watch Olympics from the moment they start until the second they finish. To be able to take two weeks off of work, still send the kid’s to daycare, and just veg. Turn up the television and clean in the other rooms when there’s something on I’m not completely in love with.

That would be cool.

So I’ve got some events queued up in another tab, and I’m going to enjoy the things I missed. It won’t be the same, of course. I can see who won already, and I know who crashes and who doesn’t stand a chance. A lot of the fun is gone.

On the other hand, I did finally figure out who that squat little man-figure is supposed to represent, all on my own. Yay, me!