I am having a very rough November. Have I mentioned that before? I’m sorry if I have. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster, and most of it has been down.
My writing performance for NaNoWriMo has been sub-par. I haven’t kept up on my minimum words per day, which is very unusual for me. I watched those close to me succeed wildly with it this year, too, which was another dig to send me down.
I have let this blog suffer, not posting regularly, and now my visitor-ship, never great to begin with, has suffered. I so badly want this to be successful (read: of help to someone, or a group of someones), and it hurts when I know I’m not giving it the attention it deserves.
My health has suffered. I am experiencing more daily pain than ever, from my heel to my back to my shoulder. I need to usually take two ibuprofen in the morning before my shower, and I follow it up with another two acetaminophen when I start my shift at work. I know this isn’t good for me, but how else am I going to make it through my day?
And then there are the other, more random things. I’m unhappy when I’m at work, and I can’t put a finger on why. I’m unhappy at home when I’m with the kids, their normal arguments sending me over the edge. I’m trying to figure out why my son seems to get so agitated about 90 minutes after he goes to bed, and why it’s getting harder and harder to talk him out of these episodes. (Tonight he actually peed on me.)
I know focusing on the negative is only making things worse, but it is so hard to find anything positive right now to focus on. It’s this cloud over my life that I just can’t shake. What will fix it, more exercise? Therapy? A good long talk with a friend? (Which just sets off a whole ‘nother set of negative thoughts I won’t even get into now because it sounds really depressed.)
For the record, it really sounds like I’m just bitching about my life here, and I’m not. I am seriously trying to sort out how I turn this around. Do I need to put happy songs full blast until I can dance this mood away? Do I talk to my boss and give him this random “I’m just sort of not happy and I don’t know why” story? Would talking to my husband be constructive, or would he just hug me because he doesn’t know what to do? Should I be talking to my dad who is an ordained minister and trained to counsel people to a degree?
Or maybe I should just cry it out tonight and start again tomorrow, and see if things get better. I know there’s really nothing that should be holding me back – this is just a bad month, and next month will be better. What goes around, comes around, and if I keep putting positive out there, eventually positive will come back to me. (I firmly believe that, by the way.)
So maybe that’s my solution. Get my positive karma going, and deal with this. I don’t know why I should be upset, so stop dwelling on it. Maybe this will help. Maybe it’s helped already.