It’s late. I was tired all day, and waking up this morning was hard. But I’m still up late, watching TV shows on my computer.
I’m watching The Biggest Loser, the first episode. This show is both depressing and inspiring. I’m inspired by the progress the people on the show make. I’m depressed because I’m not making the same progress in my own life.
I am overweight. I know I need to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise to lose weight. But it’s nearly 11 p.m., and I just got myself a large bowl of sugar-laden ice cream with a healthy amount of butterscotch topping. I would guestimate that the bowl has over 1000 calories, and I’m about to eat it a mere hour before going to bed. I will not be doing any exercise to burn off those calories. They’re just going to sit there.
Like me.
How do you develop good habits? Why is it so hard for some people to make the connection between what they know they should do, and actually doing it? Why is this so hard for me?
People don’t call me fat to my face, but I know they think it. Sometimes in conversations it slips…that thing they were going to say, maybe “someone of your size”, but they catch it before it completely makes it out of their mouth. I try to brush it off. Self-depreciating humor is something I dabble in. But I’m not happy. How can you be happy when you have the weight of an extra person attached to your body that makes it hard to breathe, hard to walk up stairs and then have a conversation, hard to walk at night because your feet hurt so much from carrying your weight the day before?
I don’t know. Yes, I’m wallowing a bit here. I’m still going to eat my ice cream, and tell myself that when I run out, that’s it. I won’t buy any more. The same goes for all my late night snacks, and alcohol. But the next time I’m at the store, I’ll forget. I’ll pick it up anyway when it sounds good. Regardless of the fact that nights like these are what got me to where I am today, I’ll still have nights like these.